Monday, April 10, 2017

I Farted in Church and Other Embarrassing Moments

I farted in church yesterday. The noise was subtle, but the PA system picked it up. It amplified the sound. When I muttered "Excuse me," I left little room for doubt. The pastor, indeed, broke wind.

To clarify, my flatulence was not live. It was background noise on the back end of a YouTube video I shot the day before. I've aired a reflection on each of Jesus' beatitudes during the weeks leading up to Easter Sunday. "Blessed are the pure in heart," started yesterday's reflection. Like each preceding video, this one closed with an invitation to meditate on the theme for forty seconds.

The infamous fart occurred as I recorded the last scene in my garage with my thumb pressed over the camera lens. I remember immediately thinking, "I have to mute that," but haste subverts short-term memory. I exported the video, uploaded it to YouTube, and left it with the A/V team to broadcast.

My rude reminder came in the company of my congregation. "Take a minute to meditate on what is beautiful, pure, wholesome, and holy," said my recorded self.

[Fade to black. Boost the music. Cue the fart.]

Pfft... "Excuse me." 


My meditations were cut short. A string of panicked questions ensued. Did I forget to mute that? Did anyone else hear? Do I say anything? Do I plunge forward with no remark? Do I blame the kids?

I was not sure how many people noticed the offence, so I played it cool. I feigned meditation on purity. I dismissed the kids quickly. I commenced with my sermon immediately.

All illusions of ignorance, however, dissolved as soon as I returned home. My children betrayed looks of embarrassment. "Daddy, why did you fart in the video?"

"You heard?"

"Yes, we heard. And you even said, 'Excuse me.'"

"I was hoping no one heard," I confessed.

Unfortunately, my family was not alone. My kids witnessed a family across the aisle suppressing their laughter. Later that day my friend told me his wife could hardly keep from cracking up. And at the close of Sunday evening, I received a text from a friend telling me he "heard a toot during the sermon."
I'm guessing most of the congregation heard my fart. My cover-up failed. My haste indited me. Purity of heart is no rival to a pastoral fart. Had I checked and double-checked my work, I would have avoided this party foul. But, alas, haste makes waste (and funny noises).

I will merely add this incident to my list of embarrassing moments. I once preached an entire chapel message to high school students with my fly down. I once made an awkward comment about my conjugal rights in a sermon. I once read a quotation from Augustine about boys playing with "balls and nuts" without a second thought to it being misunderstood by modern (i.e., perverted) ears.

I often sing off-key and tell lame jokes. (What kind fish is in the circus? Pause: An acrobat fish.) I regularly misstate dates names. (I've called Peter, Paul and God, Satan.) Weekly I misplace my sermon notes, Bible, or clicker during the service. And I always mispronounce words. (In fact, I once confused flatulation for flagellation when talking about disciplines gone awry.)

The more time one spends in public light, the greater his exposure to humiliation. Hopefully pastors find the occasional dose humility becoming. It purifies the heart, which is especially important when he's breathing in his own exhaust fumes.

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