Monday, October 20, 2008

Better

I finally found the solution to becoming a better me. I've long wanted to master the soft psychology of self-improvement. Ever since I started watching Oprah, reading Doctor Phil books, and receiving my weekly e-scription from Deepak Chopra, my appetite to help myself has become insatiable.

The problem, though, with these gurus of autonomy is their lack of biblical reverence. Sure, they're spiritual, but they're not Holy Spirit(ual). To reinvent myself in the purest sense, I would need the New Testament, not the New Age.

The answer descended in my mailbox, on glossy paper with the Parents Television Council Seal of Approval. (Twenty-first century theophanies are delivered in print because God must condescend to our rationalism.) Short of wings, harps, and halos, skyangel was the answer I'd been waiting for: TV for Christians.

Promised in the publication is programing that will help the consumer "become a better person... a better parent... a better Christian... a better you." More importantly, skyangel can be customized, since self-improvement is, by definition, an individualistic pursuit. If your only interest is faith, purchase the Faith Package ($14.99 mo.); if being better includes your family's needs, buy the Family Package ($19.99 mo.); and if you're not content with the better you, but are striving for the best (value) you, then subscribe to the Family Values Pak ($24.99 mo.).

I"m so excited! I can now "Bring Faith Home" via satellite. I can bolster myself and my family through digital transmission. I can fix those vulnerable parts of my soul that neither the Bible nor the Church have addressed.

Until this point, I was going without any TV, but I hadn't reached a spiritual zenith. And I feared that strengthening my faith was just remotely possible. Now it's remotely controlled.

1 comment:

4suchatimeasthis said...

If that doesn't do it, I just received two Christmas catalogues from Christian bookstores...